This being me first post.. I was honestly clueless what to right about.. but like the title suggests I got something now.. I was first going to talk about how I have nothing to talk about........... =|.. I know, a little too lame for words innit? =D
Being an international student in a foreign country.. its kinda hard to get straight into stride after flying from a place where you quite comfortable & used to even though you cant really afford it! =p
Everyone suffers from a mild depression, some worse than others.. some keep themselves occupied so the hollow emptiness is not felt that much.. but I think the feeling somehow it catches up sooner or later after having flown wherever to study or work.. sadly, its just human.. nothing can feel that space and everything in between the silence, loneliness & sadness. I'm thankful for the friends that God blessed me with.. friends & people who I now consider family & would help at any point in time for almost any reason in response for them helping me when I didn't know where to go & what went where!
Back home, everything was uniform, I knew exactly what to do when & who to go to.. unfortunately, not every place plays the same tune so you gotta change your moves once you step onto the stage.. like they same.. when in Rome.. *roll eyes*
Over here.. every breath is a different experience.. from the dialect to the taste of food you thought you once knew.. =D.. its quite.. hmm.. I'm looking for a word which merges pain & pleasure.. but me weak vocab kinda fails me there.. =).. but having explained that with so much clarity, you must get what I mean.. at least vaguely!
After the first fews weeks.. I came to the conclusion that when talking to anyone except for the internationals.. WHAT EVER I hear.. is WRONG! ..& of course to break their sentences down & stretch a muscle thinking logically! =) ..yes people.. sometimes its that hard to understand!!! ..I need a translator at McDonald's.. & the woman's talking in freaking ENGLISH! ...*shrug*
Anyway, back to me point, the missing.. hmm.. people would actually come over the "hang out".. that doesn't happen much here.. people are either moving too fast for an average person to catch up or too slow for anyone to recognize that the person ain't even around! =D
Some are fumbling & mentally hazy still suffering from the stage 1 depression I mentioned earlier, some are experiencing to many things to be themselves, hell, there are even some people who are just blinded by puppy love to play one character around everyone. I can honestly say I haven't been in any of those shoes, at least not to my recollection! ..although from a 3rd party perspective.. IT SUCKS!
Back home, people would just knock on my door.. buzz me on the phone.. & spill.. no strings attached.. not like I'd give them any special treatment! I'd point and laugh if required!!! =D.. thats what true friends do anyway! What you prefer.. giggling at a problem of life with a friend.. or being stabbed in the back with those very facts you told me a few days later???
Its sad when people afraid to smile at themselves.. only adds to the negativity.. not like that didn't happen back home.. just that people I'm close with were over that phase and now I have to go through the long & excruciating process of exchanging trust with people & don't really know & don't really want to trust.. but its not a choice you make.. events happen & shape relationships.. of course not everything is uncontrollable, but you get my drift.
I miss my family.. its not like I had much.. the only real people who were family I remember hanging out with are my cousins.. I had two brothers who were older than me.. & two that were younger.. hmm.. come to think of it, the two who were younger were my cousins children, therefore my nephews, although I've always considered them cousins due to the fact that we schooled & are in the same age group..
The elder one's drove me places.. told me stuff & expressed themselves in a manner which helped me in my everyday & kept me aware.. lets just say.. if the sun's rays were life.. their presence was the hand shading my eyes so that I could see potholes ahead! They were slaves to vices non of us appreciated.. but they NEVER let me think of ever stepping into their boat.. & while doing "whatever" they endlessly warned me of the negativity it brought on as well as the harmful effects, even if it was stern warnings or jokingly reminding.. it all helped change my school of thought on those specific fields!
The younger one's are the one's I took places.. well not exactly on expeditions.. but still.. we had our lil outings.. just out of our places.. whether it was just to play football, just talk or to kill time.. we had the most priceless thing between us.. time!
Hehe.. saying that I miss my mum is cliche to the ear.. yet theres no way I can escape from admitting & explaining it.. thing is.. it might not always be your mum.. its very old school to miss your mum like this, but since we are in such a twisted & queer world.. it could be your dad.. or even a sibling.. basically.. that person who's got your back no matter where you f**k up! I use the jargon "f**k" cos it is THAT serious! Me mum had me back what ever I did, what ever I wanted & where ever I went.. I didn't realize it.. but I do miss that unconditional love & understanding expressed by an individual! =)
I miss the people who used to make it seem like they couldnt live without me.. =D.. yes yes.. isn't exactly the most modest thing to say but its not the way it sounds.. you know there are people of that sort who do exist in your life, irrespective of how you respond to their presence! Thing is.. as much as they play a role in your life.. you kinda play a role in theirs! Unless of course you using someone for personal gain...... then....... STOP IT! =p
If things do go well.. its a very nice feeling and everythings just fine & dandy! =D.. even if it is just a hi.. a bye.. a wave.. a chocolate.. a tap.. a handshake.. a prod.. hell, even if its just a smile.. im pretty sure your going to miss it when its gone cos thats just how the cookie crumbles.. thats just it!
..its a bitter sweet thing though! cos im pretty sure no one misses that dude who for some reason ALWAYS has bad breath.. someone's seriously got to get that dude a toothbrush.. or how about that dude who cannot greet another human being without physically hurting the person.. *sigh* Im in need of a panadol & an episode of "The Office (US)" just thinking about those people!
I miss being read.. as in.. me moods.. my feelings.. at least.. I don’t know if people do take stabs at my moods and intentions with the things I say & actions I go through with.. but there were a handful of people who'd read me.. sometimes before myself.. & use the perfect words to kind of seem its like they right by your side even though everything's moving so fast.. quite simply.. both lives.. yours and the respective person's is moving at such a speed where nothing really add's up or makes sense.. these people kind of slow things down & make you want to stop & sniff the flowers.. could be your mum.. could be a partner.. could just be a friend..
I was lucky enough to be blessed with two significant people.. a friend.. & my sister.. God's too good to us sometimes! =D
Hell! Sometimes.. I miss myself! & the people who used to entertain me & themselves with the real, useless, crazy-ass me! =p.. you know those people who stick around and laugh or even better join you, when you feeling “quirky” & “witty” instead of feeling uncomfortable, calling the cops or even worse calling an asylum! Of course these people would be family members.. but me footy friends included in this one as well.. cos with the amount of footy we played.. we kinda shared every emotion with each other.. so happy I accomplished so much with people without crossing any moral borderlines.. some people think it’s a big deal to do the wrong things.. drugs, alcohol.. what ever.. heck! Believe it or not.. there are people who challenge themselves to pull shit like that off.. the results are just sad, & unfortunately people are blinded by their wants & desires they don’t really heed advice which was donated by some poor soul who’s already been in some crap of that sort or even worse, actually gives a shit about that person’s well being..!! We know people like that.. & they just disappoint you even all you doing is witnessing this stuff as a friend.. well.. these people were nothing like that.. they helped me enjoy everything “halaal” to the fullest.. thanks! =D
I miss the people who always seemed to be around, & seemed to know everything whether I did tell them or not! =D The people who were always at my place, buzzing on the phone, just used to drop by or just holla at me for absolutely NO REASON.. like I mentioned before.. as superfluous as it seems.. you’ll miss it when its gone! =)
But I have learnt.. if people want to keep in touch.. care.. and actually do give a shit.. you’ll be closer than ever no matter where they are, & no matter where you are on the globe.. I got friends who I considered family at a point in time.. few, I knew connection could NOT be neutralized NO MATTER WHAT! ..whether distance, time or moods! ..but some, I had doubts whether things would be the same.. not that I’d die if things did change.. as much as change sucks.. its inevitable & life goes on innit? =\
A handful of people, located on diff. parts on the map have denied my theory of human beings being bastards.. & have kept “relations” closer than ever! =D
Hell, some of them doing such a good job, I wait till such un-earthly hours for a lil nonsensical chit chat, & have observed that people do it as well, even though you could simply leave an offline message.. =).. nooooooo! These people actually wait..! Seriously.. God bless um all! =p
Oh btw.. if you have a friend aboard.. and you just doing nothing.. and feel this urge of calling the person for even 1 second.. go ahead and do it!
Hearing a familiar voice of a friend.. REALLLLLLY helps.. especially being an international.. sometimes you feel so.. disoriented.. its like vertigo taking over.. you feel all helplessly numb.. I know we all human.. & we feel negative once in a while.. but being away from family & stuff.. aboard.. take my word for it.. IT BLOWS!
& I’ve been on both sides btw.. the calling.. & the being called.. both have their own rewards! =)
Although.. if you have financial problems.. or have some sort of credit regime to follow.. don’t call!!! I don’t want you to steal money from your mum or end up selling your organs just to buy freaking telephone cards.. just not worth it! ..just try using a friend’s phone whilst they aren’t around or aware! ^_^
Anyway.. hope you people enjoyed this lil piece of me tiny lil mind.. I apologize for grammatical errors.. sentences which were too long for their period.. & and spelling mistakes.. as you should know by now.. I don’t really care! =D
Have a nice day.. take care of yourself.. aiite? =D
Salam Walaikum..
